but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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