Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
