Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
