I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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