i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Randomize
