You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
