I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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