I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
