ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
