she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So much Jack, so little girl.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
