i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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