Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
