Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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