just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
