My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
