can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
