I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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