i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
