My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
