Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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