saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
