I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
he told me I talked like a deaf person
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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