You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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