her vagine was all disorganized.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
