You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
