I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm sobbing to NWA
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
