My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
PANTIES FOUND
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
