god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
