i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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