so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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