my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
