y did u give ur computer a hand job?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I lost the right to judge tonight
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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