I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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