My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
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