Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
