drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
