did you get engaged???
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
