Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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