Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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