Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
