I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
