i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
