Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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