This house was built for laser tag.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
