That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
