I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
