i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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