I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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