Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
