Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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