I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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